BREAKING NEWS — A new (and entirely fictional) study conducted by the Institute of Caffeinated Sciences has confirmed what we have suspected for years: Coffee is no longer just a beverage. It is a food group.
For decades, society has judged those of us who drink four cups before 9 AM. But as it turns out, we were just ahead of the nutritional curve. The “jittery energy” we feel isn’t anxiety; it’s peak performance.
The Science (The Real Part)
While we might be joking about the food group status, the health benefits are actually real. Research from Johns Hopkins Medicine indicates that coffee drinkers may have a lower risk of developing type 2 diabetes and heart failure. So, technically, that second pot of coffee is “heart healthy.”
The “Don’t Talk to Me” Diet
To celebrate this medical breakthrough, we are recommending a strict regimen of espresso and sarcasm. Our “First I Drink the Coffee, Then I Do the Things” tee is currently the official uniform of this movement. Please consume responsibly (or don’t, we’re not your doctor).