Matthew McKnight hopes nobody manages to top his feat in the Guinness Book of World Records. That’s because McKnight holds the record for “Greatest Distance Thrown in a Car Accident” in the book’s 2008 edition.
The 29-year-old record-holder lived to tell about being thrown 118 feet by a car that hit him while travelling about 70 mph. He was struck on Oct. 26, 2001, while trying to help accident victims along Interstate 376 in Monroeville, about 15 miles east of Pittsburgh. He suffered two dislocated shoulders plus a broken shoulder, pelvis, leg and tailbone. He spent two weeks in the hospital and 80 days in rehab before returning to work in April 2002.
McKnight’s emergency room physician, Dr. Eric Brader, submitted paperwork for the record, which Guinness recognized in 2003. It was not listed in the book until the 2008 edition, however.
Stressful Hot Tub Soak:
A relaxing soak in a hot tub came to an abrupt end when Marlene Todd came eye to eye with a mountain lion in her backyard. “I was kind of hidden, sitting with my back up against the side of the tub, and I heard a little rustling sound in the needles right beside me,” she said.
Todd said she thought it might have been her house cat until she saw “this big, tan, hairy body” just 4 inches away. “I didn’t realize what it was until it took a leap and jumped up on the side of my hot tub,” Todd said. “ We locked eyes, and it kicked off of the hot tub and ran away.”
She summoned the police, who surmised the big cat was stalking some deer in the neighborhood and may have been attracted to the warmth of the hot tub on the frosty morning.
“Now I know what a goldfish feels like when the cat is staring in its bowl,” Todd said.
Just Joking:
The Gravy Ladle:
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.’
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’ Julie said.
‘Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.’
So he sat down and wrote: ‘Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.’
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle under her pillow by now.
Love, Mom.
Not A Bad Plan:
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in an out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”
Self Made Man:
A man comes to dinner at a new friend’s house. While they eat, the new friend’s small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, “Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?”
The kid says, “Daddy told me you were a self-made man.”
“I am.”
“Well, why did you make yourself like that?”
When He Was Your Age:
One night a pastor was attempting to get his 14-year old son to study for a test. He said, “Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 14 miles in the snow to get to school and every night, he came home and studied and did his homework for the next day.”
To this his son replied, “Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States of America.”
