| Week 38, 2007 - The Laughable News |
In The News:Largest Diamond Ever:Miners in South Africa claim they have unearthed the biggest diamond in the world. The giant 7,000 carat jewel is said to be the size of a coconut and worth at least £15million, reports the Daily Mirror. Weighing in at 4lbs and is more than twice the size of the previous biggest diamond - the Cullinan, discovered in 1905. Depending on its purity, the stone, described as “greenish”, could be split into a number of gems each worth millions. The Cullinan was cut into 105 stones, the biggest of which - the Great Star of Africa - is in the crown jewels. The new discovery has set the international diamond community alight. Expert Fred Cuellar said: “It was stunning news. There will be a lot of mad bidding from a lot of private individuals for this stone.” The firm, which found the diamond, has yet to reveal its identity. De Beers said: “If it is genuine it will be the stone of the century.” Isn’t It Ironic... Jail Becomes Grow-Op:A Japanese prison is scrambling to eradicate marijuana plants that keep sprouting up on its exercise ground, officials said Tuesday. The marijuana plants started sprouting at Abashiri Prison on Japan’s northernmost island of Hokkaido about a year ago, said prison official Takeshi Okamura. He said officials plucked out as many as 300 marijuana plants and treated the ground last year, but several more sprouted again this year. Local botanical experts concluded the marijuana seeds were inadvertently brought in with the soil used for the exercise ground, Okamura said. HMMM- just a thought, but maybe the cops should go check out the company that sold them the soil.Hooked On Facts:The streets of Victor, Colorado, once a gold rush town, are paved with low-grade gold. Each year, the average family uses about 18,000 gallons of water just to do its laundry! It is possible to go blind from smoking too heavily. George Washington grew marijuana in his garden. There are no penguins in the North Pole.
Just Joking:Bad News & Terrible News:George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer’s firm, and was ushered into his office. “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer asked. “Well, if those are my choices, I guess I’ll take the bad news first.” “Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.” “That’s the bad news?” George was stunned? “If you call that bad, I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.” “The terrible news is that it’s of you kissing your secretary.” Get Your Hair Cut:A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your hair cut; then we’ll talk about it.” A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. His father said, “Son, I’m really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn’t get your hair cut!” The young man waited a moment and then replied, “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.” His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went.” Theatre Guest:A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony.”
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