| Week 20, 2007 - The Laughable News |
In The News:Kryptonite Found On Earth :Just when you thought you had finally outgrown your childhood fantasies, fact and fiction have met again. A mysterious substance found in a mine in Serbia has been identified by scientists as kryptonite. In movies and comic books, kryptonite is the substance which saps Superman’s super powers. It’s chemical breakdown was announced recently in the movie Superman Returns and now appears to be based on fact. “I’m afraid it’s not green and it doesn’t glow either... but, in all other respects, the chemistry matches the kryptonite in the stories.” I give it 2 weeks before it is listed and sold on eBay to some crazy collector. More Dumb Crooks :A German phone thief led police right to his front door when they called the stolen mobile to say he had won some free beer and he willingly gave his address. “An officer called and said, ‘You’ve won a crate of beer’,” said a spokesman for police in the eastern town of Neustrelitz Friday. “Then he asked where he lived so he could drop the beer off, and the guy told him. I think the man was drunk.”Hooked On Facts:
Malaysians protect their babies from disease by bathing them in beer.
Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day. A lion’s roar can be heard from more than five miles away. A coffee tree yields about one pound of coffee in a year. If you cut a ‘V’ shape into your toe nails, you can prevent ‘in-grown’ toe nails. The streets of Victor, Colorado, once a gold rush town, are paved with low-grade gold. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan. There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea. 25% of your bones are located in your feet.
Just Joking:Makes You Think :When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting? The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished. The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work. You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? Is there another word for synonym? Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
Happiest Day :“Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.” “But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” protested his nephew. “I know,” replied the uncle. UFO:
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection;
in fact, the letters “UFO” were emblazoned in big, bold
letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood
and gawked in silence, paralyzed with
“Do you realize what just happened?” the station owner
finally “Yeah,” said the blonde attendant. “So?” “Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!” “Yeah,” repeated the blonde. “So?” “Didn’t you see the letters ‘UFO’ on the side of that vehicle?!” “Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?” “Don’t you know what ‘UFO’ means?!”
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. “Good Grief, boss!
I’ve been working here for five years. Of course I know what ‘UFO’ means
- it means ‘Unleaded Fuel Only’. |
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