| Week 14, 2007 - The Laughable News |
In The News:A Sure Sign For Needing New Glasses:A short-sighted Croatian pensioner sparked a police manhunt when he mistakenly picked up another boy instead of his grandson from a kindergarten. Luka Karlovic, 70, arrived at a kindergarten in Zagreb to pick up his five-year-old grandson Petar. But when an employee called for the boy to come and meet his gran dfather another Petar stepped forward, and Karlovic drove off with him. The mistake was only realised half an hour later when the missing boy’s father turned up at the kindergarten to take him home. Karlovic said: “My eyesight is getting a bit poor now and this was the first time I had seen my grandson for six months. “I thought he looked a bit different, but I just put it down to the fact that kids can change a lot at that age in a short space of time.” More Dumb Crooks:A hapless German thief snapped his credit card in two while prying open a lock, inadvertently leaving behind his name and account details for police. “He tried to copy what he’d seen them do on television, but the flat-owner woke up and the criminal ran away,” a police spokesman said on Wednesday. “The victim called up and read us the details off the card.” “When we got round to the burglar’s house, the other half of his credit card was sitting on his kitchen table.”Hooked On Facts:About 1 in 30 people in the U.S. are in jail, on probation, or on parole. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. That is like a human jumping the length of a football field. An adult giraffe’s tongue is 17 inches long. Most lipstick contains fish scales. In Nebraska, It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup. If you were to roll a lung from a human body and out flat it would be the size of a tennis court. At their closest point, the Russian and U.S. borders are less than two miles apart. You can start a fire with ice.
Just Joking:Priceless:Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can’t believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!” He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son...what happened last night?” “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., and really drunk. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” “So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?” His son replies, “Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!” Sweet Revenge :A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have been unfaithful, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take Care, Ricky A Child's Perspective :1. Melanie asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Said Melanie, “If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.” 2. Tammy was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”
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